Hi Reader,

I used to think something had to be fully baked, perfectly formed before it could enter the world. The A+ gold star-seeking student in me had been rewarded for outworking and out-perfecting everyone else. I still count the moon phases chart I drew very precisely in 2nd grade as one of my greatest accomplishments.

But I've learned that it's in conversation with others — with people actually interacting with my work — that different layers emerge. Recent conversations have helped me see Unlearning Silence applied to weight loss (can you admit to yourself that there’s a health issue and be willing to share it with someone – and if not, why not?) and to Alcoholics Anonymous (when did we learn that alcoholism was a taboo subject? Whose story is it to tell?). Connections I never anticipated. That I didn't intend them doesn't make them any less real.

So I was delighted when a podcast host recently sent me a question I hadn't considered:

"If one chapter in Unlearning Silence was required reading for every leadership course, which one would it be and why?"

Asking an author to pick one chapter feels like asking a mother to pick a favorite child. I often reference Chapter 3 — "When Silence Makes Sense" — because acknowledging that silence is sometimes strategic is what sets me apart from the "speak up always or you’re a bad person" crowd.

But here, my answer was immediate. Chapter 5: How We Silence Others.

I rarely meet leaders who want to silence their teams. Most don't intend to squash the talent, potential, and perspective of the people they lead. And yet — more often than not, we do. Not typically out of malice. But because we silence each other even when we don’t intend to. And regardless of our intent, the impact we have on someone matters.

Here are the nine ways we silence people:

1. We underestimate the challenge of speaking up – if it’s easy for us, we can’t imagine why someone else wouldn’t also do it.

2. We say we want input when we really don't – we feel pressure to consult and end up undercutting trust because you can’t run a company on consensus.

3. We control the narrative – we serve as PR for the team and don’t leave room for alternative stories of why something might be happening.

4. We rely on flawed reflexes – we have to move quickly, and our reactions often reveal our biases.

5. We focus on ourselves – we play to our strengths in communication styles, mediums, and ways of working, without realizing those design choices create unintended barriers to others’ engagement

6. We change the topic to ourselves – we talk past each other, thinking we’re talking about the same subject when we’re actually talking about different but equally important-for-the-relationship issues.

7. We don't believe them – when someone takes the risk to speak up, we tell them it couldn’t possibly have happened, that they were too sensitive, or that they must have heard things wrong.

8. We hold a fixed mindset – we don’t leave room for the possibility of people changing, or of changing our minds.

9. We build cultures of silence – unless we interrogate what is deemed acceptable to talk about and who gets to talk, we perpetuate the status quo.

As Jamie Woolf and Chris Bell’s TEDx talk highlights: none of us set out to be bad bosses. I’d broaden that to say that none of us set out to be inconsiderate colleagues, intolerable neighbors, or spouses that shut down rather than support loved ones. But we all do it.

And, we don’t have to.

Which of the above might you be doing?

When you know and notice, you can choose a different way.

For case studies and a full breakdown of the ideas, read Chapter 5 of Unlearning Silence. It’s the chapter I'd put in every leadership course — so that leaders can actually unleash the talent on their teams, get the information they need, and do great work together.

Elaine

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When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
2. Watch my free webinar "How to Speak Your Mind"
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.