I help leaders unleash the talent on their teams and reclaim their power by unlearning silence. I’m the author of the USA Today Bestselling book on Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024). My vision is a future in which each individual knows, uses, and chooses where they lend their voice.
Courage is Necessary but Not Sufficient for Speaking Up
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Hi Reader, So often when it comes speaking up or being heard, the advice boils down to some version of “just do it”. And that if you aren’t getting heard or getting the results that you want, it’s your problem - your deficiency. Repeated enough, it’s hard for that message not to turn into “you are deficient.” You need more courage. You need more confidence. You are the problem. If you would just [fill in the blank], then we’d be able to promote you. Then we could have you take the lead at the client meeting. Then we can talk about the pay raise. Courage, confidence, and any number of factors can be helpful. But they are not sufficient in getting heard. Whether we speak up comes down to calculation. Often subconscious and split second, but it’s real.
If not, people resort to staying silent. To be clear, this is inconvenient news for leaders who prefer to focus on what their people can change rather than what they themselves might need to wrestle with. Telling someone to have more courage or confidence keeps the onus on them, and gives well-intentioned leaders a pass. After all, it’s them that needs fixing. But the good news about speaking up being based on calculation is that we can change the calculation for each other. If you knew that when you said something the other person wouldn’t get defensive or retaliate, but would hear and appreciate you, how much more likely would you be to share? Here are 3 things we can each do to make it more likely that people speak up: 1) Appreciate the risk – it may not feel risky to you to say something. After all, it’s second nature for you to speak up and people have responded well to you. But it takes energy, effort, and sometimes overcoming some deep-rooted experiences for someone to share their thoughts. The least you can do is say (and mean) “thank you for sharing” 2) Listen to understand – when someone shares feedback that catches us off guard or a perspective that initially doesn’t make sense to us, human nature is to be reactive and defensive. We know we should ask questions, but our questions sound more like interrogation than curiosity. If someone has taken the risk to share, don’t make them defend, prove, debate. 3) Utilize their preferred communication medium – if you’ve heard me any podcast, you know that the mediums we use to communicate either eases or creates additional barriers for someone to join the conversation. What medium makes it easiest for them to share? Consider: real time vs. asynchronous, talking vs. typing, audio, video, in person. Courage can be helpful. But whether we share our thoughts, insights, expertise, and of ourselves depends on whether it seems to make sense to do so. And that’s a calculation that we can all influence. How will you change the calculus? Elaine When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…
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How to Use Your Voice
I help leaders unleash the talent on their teams and reclaim their power by unlearning silence. I’m the author of the USA Today Bestselling book on Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024). My vision is a future in which each individual knows, uses, and chooses where they lend their voice.
Hi Reader, As humans, we're incredibly attune to how costly speaking up can be. If the cost of sharing our perspectives, insights, expertise, or ourselves is too high, then it makes sense that we wouldn't want to incur those costs. But what if we’re making these choices to speak up or stay silent based on incomplete analysis? I don’t know about you, but I don’t typically sit around and do a slow pro/con evaluation. The calculation of whether to speak up is typically split-second and often...
Hi Reader, Why don’t smart, capable people speak up? One unexpected reason is what psychologists call expert blindness. When you’re really good at something, you can forget – or be blind to – the fact that others can’t always see what you see or do what you do. Research often focuses on how expert blindness makes it difficult for experts to teach their expertise to others. But I want to focus on another gnarly side effect of being an expert – you can easily underestimate the power of your...
Hi Reader, Whose responsibility is it to make a conversation productive? You might argue that it’s their responsibility to speak up. They might argue that it’s your responsibility to make it safe for them to share. After all, if the real or perceived costs of speaking up are too great, silence makes sense. Power dynamics, life experiences, emotion, and perception all shape whether we dance around issues or really talk about what’s at stake. Too often, we get stuck in a cycle of pointing...