Hi Reader,

As an author, you're supposed to be able to describe your book in one sentence. As a person in a world of short attention spans, you're supposed to have a one-sentence elevator pitch for what you do, too. It's something I've always struggled with.

Last week, I jumped on a call with a fellow author*. She said very plainly, "I love your book. It's about discernment."

I paused. And smiled. Because it is.

Discernment can sound like a fancy word with religious undertones. But discernment is simply the ability to judge well — to perceive subtle details and distinguish between truth and falsehood, right and wrong.

​Unlearning Silence is about discerning when, where, and how you use your voice. And how our own choices impact the people around us and the world we live in. Sometimes in ways we don’t intend. But if we’re aware, we can then choose a different way.

Discernment. Because using your voice isn't just about speaking up. It's about how you do it. When you do it. Whether you do it at all. It's about how you impact other people, what's at play in the system, your own values, tolerances, abilities, capacity, and bandwidth.

Calls to use your voice can feel really binary. If you don't speak up, you're a bad person. You're part of the problem. You're an accomplice. Those calls don't factor in the real costs, the multi-layered implications, how differently situated we all are, or whether we have — and are exercising — our own agency.

Here are two guiding principles and two practices to help you discern how you use your voice.

TWO GUIDING PRINCIPLES

1. Only you can decide for yourself.

Everyone — and their mother — will have an opinion about what you should do. But nobody but you is you. (Okay, not my best grammatical sentence. But the point stands!) Only you know what you're carrying: how much sleep you got, how short your fuse is because of what happened in the car on the way to work, whether this dynamic echoes something your uncle once said or did to you as a child. It's easy to look at someone's life from the outside and tell them what they should do. Only you know what demons you're fighting. Only you can choose where you put your energy today, tomorrow, and in the days that follow. Forgetting you have a choice is one of the fastest ways to give up your power.

2. Unlearning silence doesn't mean saying everything to everyone, all the time.

The world is too noisy and too complex for that. Discernment means realizing that voice is not binary — it's not shout it from the rooftops or stay silent, post it on social media or stay silent.

Sharing with one trusted person, so you don't have to carry something alone, can solve for what I call double pain (page 31, Unlearning Silence). Talking it through with a trusted advisor, or asking someone to be a sounding board, gives you a fresh pair of eyes — someone a little less emotionally invested than you are. Discern what to share, with whom, when, for what purpose, and why.

TWO PRACTICES

1. Check yourself: Did you actually have the conversation with the person?

When something in our life is frustrating, it's easy — maybe even healthy — to talk it through with friends, family, the people who love us. But the trap is this: if you talk about a situation with everyone except the person involved, you can start to convince yourself you've already had the conversation with them. You've repeated a version of the story so many times that the repetition tricks your brain into treating it as more true. Psychologists call this the illusory truth effect. So ask yourself honestly: did you talk to the person, or just about them?

2. Avoid mitigated speech: Did you say it as clearly as you think you did?

We fear seeming mean. Overbearing. Controlling. Dictatorial. Relationships are currency, and to preserve them, we soften the message. We cushion the blow. So much so that the idea we're actually trying to communicate never lands. I've known people who were trying to lay an employee off, but the message was so diluted that the employee didn't realize they'd been let go — and showed up to work the following week. (Check out pages 82-85, Unlearning Silence for more).

Voice isn't just what you say in a meeting. Voice is how you move through the world. It's where, how, when, and with whom you choose to spend your one life. You get to choose.

I hope these principles and practices help you make it one worth living.

For you,

Elaine

** If you’re interested in Unmasking Toxic Leadership, you can order fellow author Dr. Yulee Lee’s book here. Preorders are a love language for authors.

When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
2. ​Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.