I help leaders unleash the talent on their teams and reclaim their power by unlearning silence. I’m the author of the USA Today Bestselling book on Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024). My vision is a future in which each individual knows, uses, and chooses where they lend their voice.
What People Get Wrong When Deciding Whether to Speak Up
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Hi Reader, As humans, we're incredibly attune to how costly speaking up can be. If the cost of sharing our perspectives, insights, expertise, or ourselves is too high, then it makes sense that we wouldn't want to incur those costs. But what if we’re making these choices to speak up or stay silent based on incomplete analysis? I don’t know about you, but I don’t typically sit around and do a slow pro/con evaluation. The calculation of whether to speak up is typically split-second and often unconscious. And unfortunately, flawed. When deciding whether or not to speak up, our brains focus on the SHORT-TERM: 1) What are the costs of speaking up? I have to take the time to figure out what I want to say. I have to face the discomfort. My palms will get sweaty. I need to deal with the other person's defensiveness or blowback now, and frankly, I just don't have the time or energy. 2) What are the benefits of silence? If I choose to stay silent, I don't have to deal with it right now. The other person might continue to see me as a valuable partner rather than someone trying to block their agenda. It will prevent me from being scathed. At least for now. Our analysis looks like this: These costs and benefits are rational, but they're also incomplete. What's missing from this analysis are the LONGER TERM costs. We can surface those by asking and answering 2 other equally important questions. 1) What are the costs of staying silent? Well, typically, things don't get better by themselves. If we don't say anything, there's no chance for repair or to course correct. Other people may not know that there's something going on. Leaders are left with a skewed data set. 2) What are benefits of speaking up? That we remember we have agency. That we have the opportunity to contribute. That even if other people don't choose to hear us, at least we know that we've done what we can and we live without regrets. And another benefit of speaking up: Things might actually change. There is actually the opportunity for repair or to course-correct. As you're figuring out whether it makes sense for you to speak up, don't forget to factor in the costs of staying silent and the benefits of speaking up. You can map out these four quadrants to get a more accurate sense of what's really at stake. At the end of the day, the choice of whether to speak up or stay silent in a meeting or in a relationship is yours. Only you know what you're carrying, what you're navigating, and what you're up against. But don't make that choice based on a flawed analysis. To building a life you want to live, Elaine When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…
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How to Use Your Voice
I help leaders unleash the talent on their teams and reclaim their power by unlearning silence. I’m the author of the USA Today Bestselling book on Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024). My vision is a future in which each individual knows, uses, and chooses where they lend their voice.
Hi Reader, Why don’t smart, capable people speak up? One unexpected reason is what psychologists call expert blindness. When you’re really good at something, you can forget – or be blind to – the fact that others can’t always see what you see or do what you do. Research often focuses on how expert blindness makes it difficult for experts to teach their expertise to others. But I want to focus on another gnarly side effect of being an expert – you can easily underestimate the power of your...
Hi Reader, Whose responsibility is it to make a conversation productive? You might argue that it’s their responsibility to speak up. They might argue that it’s your responsibility to make it safe for them to share. After all, if the real or perceived costs of speaking up are too great, silence makes sense. Power dynamics, life experiences, emotion, and perception all shape whether we dance around issues or really talk about what’s at stake. Too often, we get stuck in a cycle of pointing...
Hi Reader, A marketing director recently described how she had no problem speaking her mind to her peers. But put her in the C-Suite? That’s when it was hardest. It wasn’t just that she was the only one without a C level title. It was also that she didn’t think she had the credentials – she had gone to a state school while the C-levels were fancy-pants-Yales-and-Harvards. Speaking up can be hard enough. Speaking up when it’s up the org chart? When you feel out-credentialed? Even harder. Often...