Hi Reader,

Whose responsibility is it to make a conversation productive?

You might argue that it’s their responsibility to speak up. They might argue that it’s your responsibility to make it safe for them to share. After all, if the real or perceived costs of speaking up are too great, silence makes sense.

Power dynamics, life experiences, emotion, and perception all shape whether we dance around issues or really talk about what’s at stake. Too often, we get stuck in a cycle of pointing fingers—thinking things would be better if only they would do something differently—without realizing that, in different contexts, we are each other.

A recent conversation reminded me that whatever our role, there are moves we can make that increase the likelihood a conversation will be productive. Below are seven phrases we used that helped move the conversation forward.

1. “I want this to work for you.”​
   ​Why it helped: This statement communicated intent clearly. When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to assume the worst of the other person. Naming what you really want gives everyone something to anchor to.
2. “If something doesn’t resonate, say so.”​
   ​Why it helped: People often withhold questions because of pluralistic ignorance—assuming everyone else already knows the answer or agrees. This phrase offers an explicit invitation to speak up.
3. “The sooner you let me know, the sooner we can adapt and pivot.”​
   ​Why it helped: It signals that even the best-laid plans need to evolve with real-time updates. Pivoting can only happen if we share what’s changed.
4. “Hold on…”​
   ​Why it helped: When a conversation is moving quickly but something feels unresolved, “hold on” acts like a yellow flag—slowing things down so you can clarify or add context.
5. “The tension I’m feeling is…”​
   ​Why it helped: Instead of staying silent when something doesn’t quite sit right, this phrase allows you to name what you’re noticing and frame it as a tension to manage or resolve.
6. “I’ll name that…”​
   ​Why it helped: This can be a warm-up to what you actually want to say or allows you to name the elephant(s) in the room. It helps surface something others may not be aware of—not to solve for immediately, but to ensure everyone is considering the same factors.
7. “What’s running through my head is…”​
   ​Why it helped: This phrase gives you permission to think out loud. It sets the expectation that what follows may be unfinished or messy rather than perfectly polished, but keeps you from staying silent.

Conversations can be tricky. And whether professional or personal, relationships are tricky too.
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None of these phrases are magical solutions, but each increases the likelihood you create a space where the other person can share what they’re really thinking, and for you to be able to contribute your valuable perspective.

Which of these might you try in your next conversation?

Elaine

When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
2. ​Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.