Hi Reader,

“If you’ve always been the quiet one, won’t it be strange if you start using your voice now?”

That was the question a participant typed into chat at the end of a recent virtual fireside chat. The tension was palpable in her question, even through letters on a screen.

My short answer to her? Yes. It will likely feel strange – but not because using your voice is inherently wrong, bad, or that you’re doing it wrong. It will likely feel strange because, like wearing a new pair of shoes or dating someone new, it’s unfamiliar behavior.

We’re all used to certain ways of doing things. On our work teams, each person has a role. And I don’t mean someone’s the Vice President, and others are Junior Associates. Sure, those exist too. I’m talking about the informal, perhaps unintentional roles we fall into:

• The listener
• The observer
• The reliable one
• The comedic relief
• The one who cleans up messes
• The person you rely on to ask the first question because you know they will speak up so the rest of you don’t have to

The same is true in our families. In mine, I’m the one who remembers the names of people we’ve met and whispers them in my spouse’s ear when we run into said people again in an Anne-Hatheway-Miranda-Priestly-Devil-Wears-Prada-way.

But here’s the thing: these types roles are maleable. They are just habits that have calcified. We get used to them. We rely on them. We take advantage of them. We can get stuck in them.

So if you’re wanting to break out of being the quiet (or invisible) one, here are a few insights on how to make using your voice feel less awkward:

1. Remember the Spotlight Effect. We overestimate how much people are paying attention to us. We’re conscious that we’re doing something different, but others are likely more consumed with themselves to notice. Trying something that hasn’t been the norm for you may feel strange to you, but it may not strike other people as strange.
2. Embody continuous learning. Leaders and companies often talk about continuous learning, as a value, practice, and something that sets them apart in the marketplace. To actually keep learning, you need to keep trying new things. At first, those behaviors are likely to feel strange (just like sleeping on your side when you’ve always been a back-sleeper). Discomfort is an unavoidable part of learning.
3. Factor in the benefits. Our brains naturally focus on the costs of change. We fixate on what feels awkward or worry that it will be so. In doing so, we undervalue the potential benefits that can come from that new behavior, because the benefits aren’t guaranteed in the same way. Being heard, being known, contributing to solving a problem, others seeing and valuing you, things actually changing are just a few benefits that can come from using your voice.
4. Give people a helpful role. If you’re worried about what others might think if they do indeed notice a difference, you can shape their perception of the changed behavior by providing them context and giving them a supportive role. For example, you might tell your colleague you’re experimenting with contributing more in meetings (context) and ask them to prompt you during the meeting by asking “Laura, what would you add?” (a helpful role).

People are typically more than happy to help you learn and grow, especially when you’re clear about how they can best support you in the process. How we’ve shown up in the past doesn’t have to dictate how we show up in the future. The roles we’ve played might be familiar, but new possibility lies on the other side of what initially feels awkward.

What might you try next?

Elaine

When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on using your voice and unleashing the talent on your teams.
2. ​Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.