Hi Reader, If I've always been agreeable, won't it be weird if I start disagreeing? It will be weird. But not as weird as you think. Why? People aren't thinking as much about you as you are about yourself. The spotlight effect means we pay far more attention to ourselves than others pay to us. That makes sense. After all, we're the ones who live with the consequences of our choices. So will it feel weird to disagree with your manager or spouse when in the past you haven't? Maybe. It will feel...
about 1 month ago • 2 min read
Hi Reader, It's back-to-school season for many. It's a time of transition. When I asked how people are managing their schedules to deal with the inevitable load of kids experiencing restraint collapse, testing out new rhythms, and pre-frontal cortexes still growing, someone replied: just say no! It's great advice. And it can be hard for many of us. Why is it hard to say no? Because we genuinely want to be helpful. We want to be liked. We've been taught to serve. We've been rewarded for...
2 months ago • 2 min read
Hi Reader, As an author, you're supposed to be able to describe your book in one sentence. As a person in a world of short attention spans, you're supposed to have a one-sentence elevator pitch for what you do, too. It's something I've always struggled with. Last week, I jumped on a call with a fellow author*. She said very plainly, "I love your book. It's about discernment." I paused. And smiled. Because it is. Discernment can sound like a fancy word with religious undertones. But...
3 months ago • 3 min read
Hi Reader, I used to think something had to be fully baked, perfectly formed before it could enter the world. The A+ gold star-seeking student in me had been rewarded for outworking and out-perfecting everyone else. I still count the moon phases chart I drew very precisely in 2nd grade as one of my greatest accomplishments. But I've learned that it's in conversation with others — with people actually interacting with my work — that different layers emerge. Recent conversations have helped me...
4 months ago • 2 min read
Hi Reader, I grew up in a culture where care looked like telling you what you were doing wrong. The logic: if people didn't care about you, they wouldn't choose to invest in you by telling you what and how you should change. It took me years to unwind that — because in the moment, regardless of the intent behind it, it felt like criticism. Excellent was expected. So why would you go out of your way to tell someone what’s great? After all, you wouldn’t want the praise to go to their head. That...
5 months ago • 2 min read
Hi Reader, Waiting for perfect -- the perfect time, the perfect role, the perfect set of factors -- often leads to silence. 5 years ago, I thought about doing a TEDx talk. It seemed like an effective way of sharing a big idea. After all, it worked for leadership gurus Simon Sinek and Brené Brown. I strategized. I applied. Nothing. 3 years ago, I thought a TEDx talk was a prerequisite for launching a book correctly. I remember a conversation with my very wise literary agent Rachel who said...
6 months ago • 1 min read
Hi Reader, As humans, we're incredibly attune to how costly speaking up can be. If the cost of sharing our perspectives, insights, expertise, or ourselves is too high, then it makes sense that we wouldn't want to incur those costs. But what if we’re making these choices to speak up or stay silent based on incomplete analysis? I don’t know about you, but I don’t typically sit around and do a slow pro/con evaluation. The calculation of whether to speak up is typically split-second and often...
8 months ago • 2 min read
Hi Reader, Why don’t smart, capable people speak up? One unexpected reason is what psychologists call expert blindness. When you’re really good at something, you can forget – or be blind to – the fact that others can’t always see what you see or do what you do. Research often focuses on how expert blindness makes it difficult for experts to teach their expertise to others. But I want to focus on another gnarly side effect of being an expert – you can easily underestimate the power of your...
9 months ago • 3 min read
Hi Reader, Whose responsibility is it to make a conversation productive? You might argue that it’s their responsibility to speak up. They might argue that it’s your responsibility to make it safe for them to share. After all, if the real or perceived costs of speaking up are too great, silence makes sense. Power dynamics, life experiences, emotion, and perception all shape whether we dance around issues or really talk about what’s at stake. Too often, we get stuck in a cycle of pointing...
10 months ago • 2 min read